Since I was a little Nice Jewish Girl in the making, I would eagerly await the thrilling Purim season. Most kids knew Christmas as the most wonderful time of the year, but for me, it was Purim. Getting to dress up like whatever I want whilst receiving goodie bags for no particular reason? Sign me TF up! My mom and grandma knew how much it meant to me, and would go out of their way to help me create all the elaborate costumes I ever dreamed of. To get a sense of how extra I was, I dressed up as a Greek goddess in middle school because it was the perfect opportunity for my pre-pubescent skin to glow. And I worked hard on my skin thanks to all the skin care tips from Seventeen Magazine that I was definitely too young for. I was confident the white toga dress (I believe I was proudly donning a white sheet at the time) would make my skin pop, and that it did. My parents assumed I would grow out of my passion for Purim eventually, yet here I am, 25 years strong, just as passionate as I was back in the day. It’s so much more than “they tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.” Here’s why Purim is the sh*t, as told by your local neighborhood JAP.
The story’s heroine is a hot Middle Eastern princess
There’s a reason Queen Esther is one of Judaism’s most famous female heroines. She was willing to marry Achashverosh, the most foolish f*ckboy in all the land, in order to save the Jewish people of Persia. Out of all in the regulation hotties in all the land, it was Esther who managed to reel in this royal buffoon. But she didn’t stop there. Manipulating a Persian f*ckboy? Please, I’m from Great Neck AKA the Persian Island of New York. I could do that sh*t in my sleep (although I commend our girl for being able to pull a literal king). Esther’s real feat was taking down Achashverosh’s second-in-command homicidal maniac AKA Haman. Even with all the rage and violence bottled up inside him, Esther still managed to take him down by simply looking cute. Take notes, ladies. Now the only thing left of Haman is a delicious holiday cookie. When we say Esther ate, we quite literally mean it.
The opportunity to be someone else for one goddamn day
Sometimes we just need a break from the mundane routine. While my life is top-tier quality, even the most top-tier lifestyles can get a little boring from time to time. On Purim, we can shed our daily responsibilities by becoming a completely different person entirely. Last year, I had the honor of dressing up as Nicki Minaj. Not only did I look good, but I also felt freaking good. Getting to be a rap legend with a fake butt for a day instead of sitting on my butt at my 9 to 5 is an unreal upgrade. The costumes we rock on Purim are supposed to change our outer appearances, but at the same time, reveal our true, hidden nature – and I just know I was Nicki Minaj in a past life. Purim is the ultimate Jewish form of escapism, and I’m so here for it.
It’s also the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it
In the 2004 classic Mean Girls, Cady Heron (played by Lindsay Lohan) explains the rules of Girl World Halloween, one of them being that it’s the one night a year when girls can dress like total sluts with no judgment. The same goes for Nice Jewish Girl Purim. Well, not exactly. The other NJGs will judge you for it, but they won’t say it to your face. They’ll just exchange Lashon Hara about you like it’s Misloach Manot behind your back. Let’s be real: they’re just jealous that they can’t pull off a sexy Achashverosh like you can. The creative concept wouldn’t even enter their lexicon.
We get to bully and body-shame Haman on a yearly basis
We normally don’t condone putting down people for the way they look, but Haman is fair game. Oznei Haman (AKA Hamantaschen) symbolize both Haman’s triangular hat, or Haman’s ears. So either the dude had a hideous fashion sense, extremely weird-shaped ears, or both. Probably both. Whoever said triangular hats were in style back then was seriously disturbed. Not shocking considering Haman was obviously a seriously disturbed individual, and it shows. He deserves all the Megillat Esther boos based on his fashion sense alone. So if you’re a mean girl who has been bottling up a lot of pent-up anger, take it out on Haman instead of the hot girl in the sexy Acashverosh costume, who you’re clearly jealous of. Instead of hating on each other, let’s band together in our hatred for our common enemy.
A wholesome chance to exchange goodies and charity instead of Lashon Hara
We’re so busy talking shit about one another for the rest of the year that we don’t stop to think about what would really make all of us happy – cand, cookies, and all the carbs. Maybe if we gave Mishloach Manot goodies for the rest of the year, we’d all be a whole lot happier. Plus, giving charity via Matanot La’evyonim thaws our generally cold hearts just in time for spring. We’d honestly think Mishloach Manot and Matanot La’evonim are the secret ingredients that fuel the happiness of Purim, but we all know the real ingredient is liquor – which brings us to our next reason on the list.
It’s allegedly a mitzvah to get drunk
I say allegedly because it’s not actually a mitzvah, but we’ve turned it into one over time. Venahafochu Hu (everything being turned upside down) is at the center of the Purim festivities because the entire narrative of Megillat Esther is topsy turvy in itself. Naturally, we need to get just as topsy turvy, and being human, the takeaway we all got from this is that we need to get wildly intoxicated to the point that the whole world is upside down. We’re also supposed to get in touch with our merry sides to celebrate the unlikely survival of our people, and drinking definitely helps reach that euphoric state of happiness. So it’s not officially a mitzvah to get drunk, but why ruin the fun? Come on, don’t be a buzzkill. No need to fix what’s not broken.
Purim has the same clout as Yom Kippur
Even though these two holidays couldn’t seem more different on the surface, they have a lot more in common than we think. When I first heard about the correlation, I was shook to the core. Yom Kippur is my least fave holiday, whereas Purim is the GOAT for me – what could they possibly have in common?! There’s a bunch of explanations, but I’ll go with the short version and leave you lazy potatoes to do your own research. I’ve done enough for you guys at this point. Both themes behind the holidays have to do with how random and messy human existence is, and we can put in all the work we want, but we ultimately have to trust in God’s plan. Sounds pretty fluffy to me, but I’ve never been more ready to let someone else take the wheel in the hot mess that is my life. As the wise Drake once passionately sang, it’s all about God’s plan.
Gatsby Girl 